


Perdō

by amadriel



Category: Saiyuki (Anime & Manga), Saiyuki Ibun
Genre: (well kinda... considering their age gap in canon this one is nothing lmao), Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, M/M, Minekura Secret Santa, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, as usual I dunno how to tag things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:34:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22307986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amadriel/pseuds/amadriel
Summary: “I’m sure someone will hear your voice too.”“My… voice? I’m not calling anyone.”“Really?”
Relationships: Houmei & Jyoan (Saiyuki), Houmei/Ni Jianyi | Ukoku, Koumyou Sanzo/Ni Jianyi | Ukoku
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Perdō

Houmei was busy doing nothing and enjoying the warm sun on top of the roof of the temple when he heard other trainees starting to get loud and excited about something. Frankly, there wasn’t anything exciting happening here; not when Houmei wasn’t involved at least. Trying to stay discreet so he wouldn’t be found slacking off, he bent over the edge of his hiding spot, just slightly, to listen:

“Isn’t Lord Sanzo coming today?!”

“I’ve heard about it too! But wasn’t it just a rumour?”

“Why would anyone joke about this? Besides this didn’t come from Houmei.”

Houmei nearly gasped out loud in horror. Why would he lie about some monk coming?! That wasn’t even funny!  
… Nothing interesting there as usual. He rolled over to the other side of the roof, only to be greeted by the face of an unimpressed Toudai.

“Wow Momo-chan, you scared me! I almost fell down!”

“You wouldn’t have to worry about falling down if you took a nap in normal places. Now get down, you missed two entire hours of meditation.”

“Yeah great, two hours of doing _nothing_. You should join me instead. Meditating is much more interesting when you can see the sky!”

Toudai didn’t even bat a lash; instead he extended his arm, grabbed Houmei by the collar of his kimono to toss him over his shoulders while he got down the ladder. No amount of flaying around or whining could get Houmei back to his hiding spot.

“You’re so meaaaan Mo- hi Genkai!” back on the ground, he noticed their youkai friend had tagged along. How many people could Toudai carry at the same time without sweating even a little? So unfair.

“Everybody needs to be present this afternoon. We have an important guest.” Genkai pointed out, but only after waving back.

“Oh, so that Sanzo talk was the real deal? This explains why I saw at least three monks running in circle this morning.”

“It’s noon already and you’ve been over there since _this morning_?” Toudai sighed loudly. Welp.

Houmei had the decency to look sorry, even if it was mostly pretending. Oh poor Toudai; this only added more wrinkles between his brows.

“Nevermind. As long as everybody’s here to welcome Master Sanzo you won’t get in trouble. I think.”

“Like that matters anyway.” added a new voice. Arms crossed, Jyoan joined the little group with the face of someone who just went through a serious disappointment.  
“It’s _Ukoku_ Sanzo. Who cares about that heretic?”

Houmei gasped in an exaggerated way, his hand covering his mouth.

“Jyoan is badmouthing a Sanzo priest! Legends say that’s the first sign of the world ending. Ooooh what to do, I’m still so young...”

“Oh shut it. He’s nothing like the other, _real_ , Sanzo priests. That guy is a fraud. Can’t believe he can walk around, carrying a sutra.”

No one dared to add anything; Jyoan looked positively pissed. He probably was really excited when he heard a Sanzo priest would visit, only to discover it was the heretic.  
Houmei crossed his arms behind his head as they walked towards the main hall; weren’t all Sanzo priests the same? Holy men and women, and all that jazz. Not that the few he met left a big impression on him. Sure, they were all training here to become one of them one day… but he wasn’t like Jyoan, self-proclaimed 1st Sanzo groupie, who knew everything there was to know about every single Sanzo priest out there. That Ukoku guy didn’t ring a bell either. He certainly heard the name once or twice but that was all, he wasn’t even sure which sutra he was supposed to own. This was going to be such a boring day…

Not long after, all the trainees and the monks were gathered in the hall. Everybody was whispering and the monks were trying to keep everyone quiet with loud “Sssshhh!!!” and threats of added chores, which had little to no effect. 

Finally the doors opened and everyone went silent. Everyone except for Houmei who, with pretty bad timing, yawned out loud at that very same moment. His teary eyes met with surprised ones; Ukoku Sanzo was looking straight at him, and the two monks behind him, in panic, gestured to Houmei how they would deal with him later.

To the surprise of everybody, Ukoku Sanzo simply walked over to greet the other monks like nothing had happened, casually letting them know that gathering everyone for him was way too much as he was just another guest. The trainees started whispering again while the high priest, after repeating three times in a row how blessed their temple was to receive him, quickly offered a tour that Ukoku declined, saying he was tired after the long trip and would rather rest. As he was led to the east wing, the one reserved for the (quite rare) visitors, he glanced over his shoulder and met Houmei’s eyes again.

What a peculiar man, thought Houmei. Not just because of his appearance – jet-black hair and eyes, an angular face, the way the guy didn’t look that much older than some of the trainees around here… but because that was the first time Houmei had ever seen a monk in black robes. On him though, they didn’t seem out of place – his aura, or whatever that was, felt different than the few Sanzo priests Houmei had come across since he started his training. Well, the ones he remembered, anyway. 

The trainee didn’t have time to think about it, for as soon as Ukoku Sanzo left the hall one of the monks smacked him behind the head.

“You’re in luck for once, Houmei! If Lord Sanzo had asked us for your head for this offense, we’d gladly have offered it.”

“Wouldn’t it be quite contradictory with what Buddha said about the value of life?”

“Shut up! Be grateful you'll just end up with doing three times your amount of chores this week!”

Houmei opened his mouth to protest that he was _already_ doing three times his amount of chores because of a joke he said during lecture the other day, when Toudai lightly pinched his back. _If they don’t remember then don’t add anything_.

Houmei feigned gratitude as the hall progressively emptied until the four of them were left here. When he was sure no one could see or hear them anymore, Jyoan burst out in laughter.

“Oh that was golden! A great way to welcome that fraud!”

“You _really_ hate that guy, hm?” Houmei was kinda impressed; Jyoan didn’t laugh that way often.

“Him being a Sanzo is an insult to that noble title.” Jyoan shrugged like it was evidence enough after regaining a bit of his composure.

Toudai and Genkai shared a glance but stayed silent until Houmei smacked his palm with his fist like he just remembered something.

“Oh that’s it! He doesn’t have a chakra!”

“You’re noticing it NOW?! Why did you think he’s called a heretic, just because of his robes?!” Jyoan’s voice went a bit more high pitched.

“Well I was thinking about how he seemed different, and there’s _that_. But also...”

“I thought you calling him a fraud all the time was a bit exaggerated” admitted Toudai, deep in thoughts, “but there is something off about this man. He didn’t pronounce a single sincere word. His expressions, speech, that whole bit about being tired… none of it was genuine.”

Genkai silently nodded in agreement while Houmei scratched the back of his head.

“You could tell that from the short moment we saw him? So impressive, Momo-chan~”

“Don’t play dumb, Houmei. I know you’ve had the same impression.”

“You caught me!” Houmei made a silly face before switching to a more serious tone, “I didn’t get the exact same impression, to be honest. I just thought that his eyes… were empty. Yeah, that’s the word I was looking for. He felt _empty_.”

A heavy silence fell on the four trainees. How could a holy man give off the impression of being a fake, empty person? He was known as the youngest Sanzo priest ever, crowned when he was only seventeen and inherited the Muten Sutra. A heretic though, a man unrecognized by the gods for no chakra had ever appeared on his brow. All of that had happened more than 10 years ago, Ukoku had quite the reputation following him, but not an entirely bad one.  
Toudai, Genkai and Houmei trusted each other’s judgement. There was an unsaid mutual agreement that this weird first impression was not to be taken lightly.

… Until Jyoan groaned out of exasperation.

“Uuuh, who cares what this guy _feels like_ or whatever. I told you he was a fraud. He feels like, sounds like, and acts like one because he _is_ one. End of the story.”

Jyoan lifted his chin in defiance, in case anyone had to say anything more and honestly… they didn’t. Sanzo groupie or not, he had a point. But they couldn’t elaborate further; the voice of a monk calling out to Houmei, as it was time for his chores, disturbed them and the other three trainees scattered around quickly. Houmei wasn’t even mad at them, the tone of the monk made it very clear how stressed everyone was in the temple, and any trainee found slacking off would surely end up joining him for another round of chores. Sighing loudly, he accepted defeat.

* * *

  
Ah, so boring. How long had it been? Three hours? And Houmei was still in the middle of mopping the floor of every single corridor. How big was this temple anyway?! And why did he have to clean a floor that was still as clear as a mirror from the cleaning they had to do the day before? (now it all made sense, it was because of that Sanzo visiting.)

The sun was setting when he was finally done, and his last chore of the day was gathering the leaves in the backyard. Again, something they already did… but in autumn, they could do it every single hour and the results would be the same. With his broom in hand, he was humming to himself a little encouraging tone about how he was almost done and could nap during lecture in the evening.

“ _Easy come, easy go...”_

At some point, Houmei noticed he wasn’t alone in the yard anymore; and it wasn’t just a monk making sure he wasn’t slacking off, he could tell someone had stopped there and was currently staring at him with such intensity he could almost feel the back of his neck burning. Still sweeping, he turned around to find himself in front of Ukoku Sanzo, leaning against a wood pillar and smiling at him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard a monk hum before.”

“Oh, I’m no monk.”

“Not yet.”

“I guess. That’s the whole purpose of us being there after all. Can I help you?”

“Oh no, I don’t want to bother.” Another smile. Empty, thought Houmei, like every word he said. Like his eyes. Deep pool of ink hidden behind heavy glasses and not a single emotion passing through. “Please, proceed as if I weren’t here.”

Houmei felt almost sorry for that man, for that threatening void inside him, and wondered how and why a holy man would feel that way.

Ukoku Sanzo, on the other hand, was here to test a little something. He had time to kill, and spending it with one of those trainees who almost fainted in front of _Lord Sanzo_ was a nice way to do it, but this one here didn’t seem… that impressed. Still pretty cute to look at. Maybe he had found a rare and interesting one; one he could _break_ in a different manner for once.

“Houmei, was it?”

“Oh, Lord Sanzo knows my name? That’s embarrassing!”

The priest smiled pleasantly and Houmei felt nothing if not a chill the long of his spine. He elected to ignore it and return to his chores so he could finish before the sky went completely dark.

“Why are you training here, Houmei?”

The question surprised him; not because of what was asked but rather… because of the genuine tone of Ukoku’s voice. It was the first time he heard him saying, asking, something he meant.

Houmei stopped and scratched his chin as if he was seriously thinking about it.

“Well, to become a Sanzo priest, I hope?”

“Oh, of course. But what made you choose this path?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. You don’t… look like you belong in here.”

Once again, a glimpse of genuine interest. Houmei was intrigued.

“I’ve heard becoming Sanzo was the most difficult thing in the world, so...” oh. A light in these dark eyes, suddenly. Was this man really empty after all?  
“Is this what I’m supposed to answer? Just kidding! I hate difficult tasks more than anything. Actually I probably would’ve changed my mind if anyone had warned me about how difficult this would be beforehand.”

Ukoku Sanzo seemed… disappointed? Was he? But the next moment, he was smiling again but with that polite empty smile.

“Is that so? Then I wish you good luck with your training.”

Houmei smiled back and resumed humming while gathering up the leaves. However, Ukoku didn’t leave and instead, sat down on the stairs. The following minutes were the longest Houmei had ever endured, at least since they had had to stay still and meditate under a waterfall last week.

“You look like my brother,” he heard himself say after a moment of sweeping while trying to pretend that man was not there, with a stare burning holes deep in his skull.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, I thought out loud again. Silly me. I was saying you make me think of my brother.”

“How interesting. You have a family waiting for you outside?” the tone was feigning interest almost perfectly. He could fool many people that way, but Houmei could tell that the genuine feeling from before was gone.

“Not quite.” Houmei gathered the leaves in a nice, tidy circle and stretched his arms over his head. “I’m an orphan actually. But… Kouryuu is family now, I guess.”

“Is that the name of that older brother you mentioned?”

Houmei’s sudden laugh caught the Sanzo priest off guard. Finally, another real emotion on that face of lies and pretends, but Houmei was too busy laughing to tears to realize it.

“Hahaha! I--- I think there was a misunderstanding. Kouryuu is not my _older_ brother; actually he’s turning four in a few months.”

And another emotion; this time, Houmei didn’t miss it. Ukoku looked, for a split second, like he was in front of an insufferable lunatic.

“What part of me makes you think of a four years old kid? My face?”

“Oh no, you two look nothing alike.”

He couldn’t hear, but Ukoku muttered something under his breath. Was he… losing patience?

Houmei in the other hand, was having a good time. This guy actually had good reactions.

“But you should see Kouryuu, he’s such an intense child. I think he’s the most mature of the two of us sometimes! The thing is, I call him my brother but I was really the one who found and adopted him. But I was so young… the first two years I managed, but I knew that once I’d join the temple I wouldn’t be able to provide for him. So I left him to the couple who raised me and promised I would come back and pick him up once I become a monk. Or something like that.”

“Touching.” Oh he wasn’t trying to hide his complete lack of interest this time. “What makes you think you’ll come out from this temple alive?”

“My good luck?” Houmei looked around to make sure he was done before resting both his hands, then his chin, on the top of his broom. “As long as I can hear his voice, I’ll be fine.”

“So you hear voices now.” Whatever Ukoku saw in Houmei had completely left him. A pretty face, but apparently, an empty brain behind it; this kid was just a lunatic who would die trying to become a Sanzo. A waste of time.

“Not _voices_ ; Kouryuu’s. I can always hear him. He wants me to come back.  
Can you believe he’s the one who started to call me ‘ _brother_ ’ one day? I was so shocked! Not that I was ready to be called _dad_ yet but… still that’s frustrating. I’m not correcting him for now but when I pick him up, that will have to change.”

Ukoku was looking elsewhere; when he noticed Houmei’s silence, he turned back with a polite smile. A smile that disappeared when confronted to Houmei’s own, sad, comprehensive one. What… was this kid doing, looking at him like that? Like he… sympathized? With him, a Sanzo priest?

“I’m sure someone will hear your voice too.”

“My… _voice_? I’m not calling anyone.”

“Really?”

Houmei discarded the broom and stretched another time, rolling up his shoulders. Ah, the nice fresh scent of _freedom_! He walked back to the temple, looking over to check on Ukoku Sanzo one last time.

“Yours is quite deafening, you know. Such a loud call and nobody to reach out...” he really, really felt sorry for that man. “It sounds so much like him that day. If I didn’t have my hands full with my little Kouryuu… maybe...”

And then he turned around the corner, leaving Ukoku Sanzo with his shaking fists, at a loss for words. What… was that? _Him_ , calling for help? Ridiculous. He thought this kid would be an interesting one to mess with, but he was just… a stupid waste of time. Stupid and mad. Oh, the selection couldn’t come soon enough, he thought as he went back to his room. He wanted to see that kid fail and watch him closely as his hope for his little fantasy of a family washed away from his face before his death.

* * *

_Long hair slipping through his fingers, pale under the moonlight. A name, heavy on his lips like the taste of sake, and yet he couldn’t remember… Who was he trying to call? Who?_

_Someone important… someone… someone he had to remember…_ **_  
_** **_Answer me_ ** … **_answer me! Can you hear my voice?_ ** **_  
_**

* * *

The temple was always busy and full of life, but with Ukoku Sanzo there, things were a bit different, and exciting. The monks were so busy trying to please him that most of them almost forgot the existence of the trainees, which would have been Houmei’s golden opportunity to slack off even more than usual if Toudai didn’t keep him in check. Jyoan, silently enduring the morning training as well, considered that maybe, nobody would see if he discreetly… left the room… wait, was he turning into Houmei? That wasn’t good. The fool’s influence was something, but most importantly, the fact that Ukoku Sanzo was still there and nobody but the high priest knew for how long was affecting his mood. That heretic without a chakra, supervising their training as if he was someone important… and Houmei spouting nonsense about how he was _quite an interesting character_ after a ‘chat’! Why would you want to ‘chat’ with that guy?! 

Pissed off, Jyoan put a bit too much strength in his kick and his sparring partner barely managed to dodge it. Oops.

“Nice one, Jyoan~!” he heard from the other side of the room.

“Focus, you idiot!”

But Houmei didn’t need to focus. He was doing the bare minimum of dodging his partner’s attacks and landing some, all while whining how scary this was, but unlike the other trainees he wasn’t even sweating. Those who still thought Houmei was an airhead who ended up here because of some mistake were so badly fooled. But Houmei himself seemed to like it better that way, so the ones who noticed never said anything.

After the training and the lecture which followed, both supervised by Ukoku Sanzo, the trainees had a short break before their next task. Houmei not included, because of his chores.

Jyoan ran across him cleaning up the corridor, whining about his sore muscles all the while.

“Cut the crap, it’s me. I know you’re not even sore.”

“But I am! Aren’t you? Momo-chan’s the only one who can still stand without his legs giving up after all those exercises. I wanna naaaaap...”

Jyoan rolled his eyes and threw Houmei a bottle of water.

“If you don’t want to be sore then hydrate yourself correctly and stretch up after exercising, instead of running off God knows where.”

Houmei nodded and finished the bottle in a couple of seconds. Good thing Jyoan had his own and didn’t expect this one to return half full.

“What would I do without you guys?”

Jyoan sighed. Not long ago, he would have angrily retorted that he didn’t want to be included in that weird little group that Houmei, Toudai and Genkai had formed in their first couple of weeks. He was here to become the next Sanzo, not to make friends. And yet he kept finding himself… included. And now it didn’t feel… that bad. He was getting soft, wasn’t he? He blamed it again on Houmei’s influence and brushed it off.

“Any new chat with the heretic?”

“Nope. Actually, I think he’s avoiding me! The other day he walked in the library while I was on duty of sorting the scriptures, so I welcomed him and he just-- shut the door closed! Can you believe that? Lord Sanzo himself avoiding _me_? Hehe.”

“I can think of a few reasons why anyone would want to do that.”

“Why?! So meaaaan!”

Jyoan smirked.

“What, am I wrong? You probably gushed about your brother or something and he had enough of it.”

Houmei inhaled deeply and raised one hand as if he was about to retort something but… decided not to in the end.

“I knew it. Only you could find yourself in front of the highest ranked monk and still find a way to talk about that kid.”

“Well, you would too if _you_ were the one raising him! Kouryuu’s _that_ cute.”

“Uh, gross. I’ll pass. I’m planning to be a Sanzo priest, not a father, anyway.”

Houmei shrugged, as he obviously was a case of “ _why not both_ ”. He had given up on cleaning the corridor at this point and was only pretending to in case a monk came to check. Jyoan wasn’t the kind to to tell on him.

“We still have no idea why that guy came here in the first place. So irritating.”

“Do Sanzo priests need a reason to come and chill at a temple?” Houmei thought that this would be exactly the kinda thing he’d do if he was a Sanzo.

“He isn’t here to chill. Why would he want to check on our training or lessons if he was just passing by? He’s also not looking for his successor at like, 30.”

“Next time I crash into him, I’ll ask!” Houmei beamed as if he had had the best idea ever. “Unless he ignores me again…”

“Weirdo. Why would he tell some random trainee something most of the monks don’t know either?”

“Dunno. I feel like he might just talk if he’s bored.”

Again with that _feeling_ stuff. Jyoan didn’t want to know why Houmei suddenly knew how Ukoku Sanzo worked after that whole talk about him being a fake.

“Aren’t you supposed to clean up here?”

“Woah there, I don’t wanna hear that from the guy who skips every evening lecture to do face yoga instead.”

Jyoan looked positively offended.

“Unlike you I’m not slacking off, just _training_ in a different way! We’ll see in a few decades who was right about that; you guys, who will complain about your jawline disappearing into shabby skin or me, still looking,” he tapped both of his cheeks proudly, “like this!”

Houmei stretched out the skin of his face with both hands. “… maybe I should join you and check if that’s as effective as you claim. I don’t want wrinkles yet.”

“That’s the spirit! Training your body is important, so why not train your face the same way?! That’s plain logic!”

Jyoan ended up monologuing about the importance of some exercises while Houmei religiously listened (mostly because he found cute how Jyoan could get so worked up about particular stuff and show that rare side of himself) for a little more, until Toudai showed up – scaring the two other trainees to death, as they thought they were caught.

“For Buddha’s sake, Toudai! Someone as tall as you should make more noise when you're walking around!” Jyoan crossed his arms as if his heart didn’t almost slip through his throat a second ago.

“What do you want me to do, stomp around a bit to announce myself?”

“That’s an idea!”

Toudai rolled his eyes and made Houmei let go of his arm. “And here I came to tell you about _our visitor,_ but I should come back later after I practice my stomping method...”

“Wait, is Shuuei here?!”

“Delivering stuff to the high priest as usual. You can probably catch him in the main hall before he...”

“Thanks Momo-chan! I owe you one!”

Houmei ran in the opposite direction, quick and swift for someone who complained about his sore muscles. Jyoan and Toudai both sighed at the same time.

“You guys are still doing that weird stunt where you talk without words.”

“Excuse me?”

“How could Houmei know you were talking about that Shuuei guy and not our current, _kinda_ important, visitor?”

“Oh, that. He probably understood from my tone which visitor I was talking about. Not that I would have anything to tell him about Ukoku Sanzo anyway.”

“So you didn’t change your mind about that fraud?”

Toudai nodded.

“Houmei told me too. But whatever truth he thinks he saw in that man… I still can’t see it. Every thing he does or says is an act. That must be exhausting, pretending that much from dawn to dusk to be someone he isn’t.”

Jyoan shrugged and, without really paying attention, found himself putting away Houmei’s broom and bucket so no one would notice he left before he finished his chores.

“Who’s that Shuuei guy anyway?”

“Oh you probably saw him once or twice, he comes here to deliver stuff from the town. Supplies, food, things requested by the high priest. From what I’ve heard, Houmei and him know each other as he lives right next to the place where his kid is staying, so whenever he stops by the temple, he makes sure to give Houmei some news.”

Toudai was the only one referring to Kouryuu as Houmei’s child and not his sibling. Jyoan wasn’t sure why, because most of the time Houmei himself called him his brother… but none of them was the kind to just overshare personal stories. Kouryuu was the only thing they really knew about Houmei’s life outside of the temple, because he couldn’t help talking about him.

“Seems like ‘Kouryuu’ isn’t one of his many made-up stories, then.”

“You doubted it?” Toudai laughed a bit behind his hand. “That’s a bit harsh.”

Jyoan brushed it off and left the corridor while waving lazily. Wasn’t Houmei pretending to be someone else too most of the time? Not that he was the same kind of man Ukoku Sanzo was. Not a fraud, but the kind who’d rather keep his secrets and play dumb rather that show his true colours even to his… friends.  
Ah, what a pain. Why did he bother covering up for that trouble magnet again, he had no idea. He really needed a long bath while everybody was still busy, that’d wash away that contagious case of stupid.

* * *

Alone under the bright moonlight on his favourite spot of the roof, Houmei was appreciating his first drag of smoke after weeks without cigarettes. Buddha or whoever, please bless Shuuei for bringing him a package and that lovely letter from Kouryuu!

Right before the curfew, he proudly showed it to Toudai and the others listening (Genkai and Jyoan, who was dragged in against his will) and shared the news from his little boy in town. Seemed like he met another kid in the neighbourhood, who could already read and write a few characters even though he had only just turned three. According to Shuuei, the kid was an intense one who went through a lot already, and liked to spend time looking at picture books rather than play with other kids. Kouryuu too was kind of a lone wolf, but he was really impressed by the writing demonstration and asked his guardians to show him how to write his name once he got home.  
The letter Houmei received was the result of his many days of work: a shaky, barely readable attempt to write the characters for ‘Kouryuu’, and underneath them (with a slight correction made by an adult) the characters for ‘Houmei’. It had already became Houmei’s most precious possession, especially since it came with the news that with his letter, that he showed everyone before asking Shuuei to deliver it, Kouryuu had impressed the other kid back and they became friends.

His first friend! Aah, to know he didn’t witness that moment was bittersweet!... but that also fuelled Houmei’s determination to become the best priest ever so that little Kouryuu would be proud of him!  
He knew he’d have to make a decision sooner or later; either take Kouryuu with him in a temple after the selection, should he make it, or… a fresh start somewhere else. For the moment, he could dream about it; a peaceful life far from town, just the two of them, even if it was an impossible wish. The taste of tobacco was a bitter on his tongue now, probably because he went so long without it. Or because he had to face reality; that too? Either way, Houmei appreciated every drag, and took a deep breath of the cool night air when he was done, staring at the starry sky.

Everything was peaceful until footsteps coming from the yard alarmed him; whoever that was could see him from down there so he had to hurry and get down. Who could it be at this hour? Every monk should be sleeping soundly, even the high priest…  
Houmei jumped down to hide behind a corner he knew was far away from prying eyes---- only to find himself in front of Ukoku Sanzo, looking as shocked as he was to be found in this place. The priest quickly hid something in his sleeves, while Houmei pretended to blow hot air in his hands to warm them up and most importantly cover his breath.

“… Fancy meeting you there?”

“Don’t you have a curfew?”

“I can’t sleep if there's a full moon and I din't take the time to appreciate her light.” Houmei joined both of his hands in front of his face. “Don’t tell on me?”

Something about his excuse made Ukoku feel… some kind of déjà-vu. Even if his cigarette break was delayed because of that kid he had planned to never talk to again, he wasn’t especially mad. That felt weird.  
He was almost sure he smelt something like tobacco but… a trainee smoking in the temple? Probably his imagination because of his own need for a fix after weeks of playing the perfect monk here and there.

“I won’t. Actually, I’m the same.” He looked over the roof to be greeted by the moonlight. So bright it was almost painful to watch… or was it caused by something else?

Once he was sure he wasn’t smelling like tobacco, Houmei crossed his hands behind his back and smiled to the priest.

“You know, I kept thinking about what you said the other day? Why I chose to come into this temple and train to become a Sanzo. Wanna hear about it?”

“If I don’t have the choice.” Oh, brilliant! He wasn’t even hiding his complete lack of interest nor his irritation! It was written all over his face and his tone dripping in resignation. Houmei was delighted.

“It’s a story I never told anyone. See, after Kouryuu turned three-- you remember Kouryuu?”

Ukoku groaned in a way that meant yes. Houmei, totally unphased, kept telling his story with the same amused tone.

“Well, not long after his birthday, I had this dream. I don’t remember everything, I mean, that’s how dreams work, right? -----Oh wait! I almost forgot, look at that!” he took from the inside of his kimono the carefully folded letter. Ukoku took a quick glance.

“He can write his name! And mine too! That’s so cuuuute~”

Ukoku turned the heels. “Good night.”

“Oh don’t go! I didn’t even finish my story! I just remembered about that and how much effort he put in this… but if I become a Sanzo I’ll have to change my name. What a bother… I need to find a name with at least the same characters as in ‘Houmei’.”

“Same characters...” _I know of one_ , Ukoku almost replied. But then he realized, no, he didn’t.  
A name he didn’t remember, heavy on his tongue and yet always escaping. He had a dream like that the other night, didn’t he...

Ah crap, he missed his opportunity to leave, and the annoying kid was back in story-telling mode of his own dream or whatever. What a bother.

“---and then there was pitch darkness surrounding me and I didn’t know which way to go. I knew I had to leave this place but I felt like, choosing the wrong path would lead me to fall into the abyss so my feet refused to move. And the darkness was crawling underneath me as I was hesitating, all ready to swallow me up. So I tried to reach out and… out of the darkness, a hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me back into the light.  
When I looked up to see the face of my savior--- this, I remember vividly. It was Kouryuu, but as an adult. I could tell right away it was him despite his worried expression, because it was the same droopy eyes, the same stern face, the same golden hair… but dressed in white robes and wearing a crown, an outfit I had never seen before. He told me words I can’t recall, things that really moved me since I remember waking up with my eyes full of tears. The only clear thing I heard was the word ‘temple’. That’s how I knew where I had to go and what to do.”

The moon was reflecting in Ukoku’s glasses and hiding his eyes completely for a moment, before a few clouds covered it.

“So after voices, it’s dreams? You should become a medium, not a monk.” Again, no attempt to cover his disdain. What a stark difference from the suave priest he was during the day in front of everyone else!  
Houmei laughed softly.

“The funny thing is that I remembered the robes he wore during that dream, even if I had never seen them before. Those were Sanzo robes. I was so loud when I found out about them in the library, a couple of days after I joined the temple, that I had to copy a scripture about the beauty of silence a hundred times.”

“ _That,_ I can imagine.”

Actually, that description of a Sanzo with golden hair wasn’t difficult to imagine either. And yet, none of the other Sanzo priests he had met looked like that. Again with that déjà-vu?

“Do you have a crown?” The question almost caught him off guard. That too, was happening a bit too often when he was in this lunatic’s presence.

“I do. I just don’t take it with me when I travel. It doesn’t look good on me anyway.” he shrugged. That whole holy joke, he only took it that far when he felt like it.

Houmei was looking at him with a new intensity.

“Can I?” he asked. Yet, before Ukoku could reply, both of his hands were ruffling through black hair with something akin to tenderness. “I knew it! So fluffy! I’m sure it looks great on you, that crown. The gold and black contrasting… too bad you don’t have it, I’d love to see.”

Ukoku was frozen still for a few seconds. He didn’t see him move; a random trainee, faster than _him_ , the one who killed everyone including his master during his own selection. No one, no monks, no other Sanzo priest, were as fast or as strong as he was.  
And that kid, a lunatic who talked about dreams and yawned in front of the highest Buddhist authority, was the first to ever surprise and act faster than him. He was still ruffling his hair until Ukoku grabbed his wrist.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Haha sorry! It’s just that since the day you came in, I've thought your hair looked as fluffy as feathers. I’ve wanted to test it, to see if I was right~ ”

“Stop that.”

“You let me do it so I thought it was okay. Wasn’t it? When was the last time someone patted your head?”

“Shut up! Don’t you know your place? I’m a Sanzo priest, not that stupid kid you can’t shut up about!”

“Oh I know who you are.” Again with that sympathizing smile. “That’s why I thought you’d like someone to treat you like a normal person for once. Not like some holy being one shouldn’t approach.”

Ukoku was still holding one of his wrist, thinking how he could break that lunatic’s arm and… and what? Would he feel better after that? Why were those idiot’s words ringing bells so loud in his mind that he was at a loss for words? _Again?_

“You don’t know me.” he heard himself mutter.

Houmei’s other hand covered his own and he allowed it.

“Not yet.” he replied in the same tone Ukoku used when they met.

A single beam of moonlight pierced through the clouds over Houmei’s pale hair, a sudden ring of light. Replacing all previous thoughts of revenge and broken limbs, Ukoku felt an impulse to untie the trainee’s hair and run his hand through it, like it was exactly what he had been missing all these years. It wasn’t long enough but it would do. Yeah, it was still a bit too short compared to…

_Who?_

He had raised his hand to do it and his fingers slightly brushed the loose strands around Houmei’s jawline when they heard someone coming from outside the yard. Distant footsteps than most people wouldn’t even notice at this distance. But both of them did.  
Ukoku’s arms fell heavily on his sides while Houmei, who easily broke the hold on his wrist, looked around the corner with a slight worry about getting caught after the curfew. His face lightened when the silhouette became a familiar one and he ran to that person without a last look towards Ukoku.

Toudai, who was walking with a lantern in one hand and a bag over his shoulder, was startled by the bouncing figure and shook his head when he recognized it. As if anticipating it, he had removed his long hair from his back before Houmei grabbed on his shoulders and settled down there, swinging his legs back and forth.  
From where he was, Ukoku heard scolding words of Toudai, brandishing his special authorization from the high priest himself to go out into town tonight while Houmei had no reason to be there, and Houmei’s pitiful attempt to minimize whatever he was doing there while resting comfortably on his taller friend’s back, with no intention to walk back to their dorm on his feet. The scene could have been comical; in Ukoku’s eyes it was not.

He had yet to share any words with that tall trainee and heard the monks talk about him with almost nothing but praise and yet, the mere sight of him was enough to make Ukoku’s blood sing in a way he had not felt in decades. No particular reason for that (or maybe because of the scene he just witnessed) but he was already thinking how that Toudai guy _would_ end up dying during the selection, with a little help from his side if needed. With a chant or two, he’d slit his throat, maybe break open his skull, and no one would suspect a thing. A selection was supposed to go like that.

Their eyes met as Toudai walked through the yard, even though Ukoku was standing in a corner where even the light of the few lamps near the door didn’t reach. Toudai glared back at the pitch black-clad form, challenging, no respect nor fear, nothing like the look of some regular trainee; Ukoku would have been delighted if it had been anyone else but him. _Oh if you wanna die so bad, then be my guest_. Too bad it’d have to wait a bit.

The two trainees went back into the temple, and Ukoku waited a couple of minutes before cracking a match and lighting his well-deserved cigarette. When he raised his head to look at the sky, the moon was fully covered behind black clouds.

* * *

“ _Tell me, Ken’yuu; why did you come here?”_

“ _Why do you ask?”_

“ _It’s just that I thought it doesn’t suit you.”_

“ _I want to become a Sanzo. Because I’ve heard it’s the most difficult thing to do.”_

_Long hair slipping through his fingers. The smell of tobacco, too bitter to his tastes and yet so comforting. A strong hold on his arm that he couldn’t, and didn’t want to, get away from. The light of the moon, always a silent witness, weighting over his nape._

_**[This man took the form of the moonlight.]** _

“ _You never change, ◾◾◾◾◾◾”_

“ _Is that supposed to be a compliment?”_

_That name… That name… That name…  
That person his voice was trying to reach. There was no one else. Everyone else in the world could die. _

**_Answer me! Answer me please!_** _◾◾◾----_ _  
_ ****

* * *

 ****Ukoku woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the **Minekura Secret Santa 2019** as a present for **Alifide**! First of all, I AM SO SORRY, THIS IS SO LATE. December was one unexpected hellish ride... but at last!! Merry Christmas!
> 
> I got really carried away when I saw Houmei/Ukoku in your pairings and had a lot of fun imagining the dynamic between those two characters if their roles were swapped and Houmei was not yet a Sanzo. This SHOULD be a two chapters long fic, maybe three... I'm trying to not turn this into _another_ multiple parts AU. |D  
>  **Anyway** to make up for how late this was, I'll add a short domestic Hakkai/Gojyo oneshot as a bonus gift, not sure when, but you'll have it! I hope you enjoy this, I sure had fun writing it~


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